Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to get a woman:

1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving

She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.

me, minding my own business as a vegan:

someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe

My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.

Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?

Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location

😤😤

My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!

Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.

Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day

Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.

After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.

me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat

mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]

me: so really i did you guys a favor

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Schrödinger: Nice, nice

4: am i asleep?

me:

4: mom??

me: i…i feel like this is a trick

Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship

Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.

“sticks and stones may break my bones”

“got it, thank you!”

“wait there’s more”

“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”

sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.

[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road

I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones

My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.

🐦

my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk

It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.

[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.

[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.

Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.

ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?

HER: give me back my baby

My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.

Mother: can you please fix my computer

Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006

“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison