My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
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Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
🤣🤣🤣🤣
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere