Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

angel: what should zebras look like?

god: completely innocent

angel: ok

god: they could do no wrong

angel: got it

god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar

Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.

“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”

Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.

We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.

16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come

COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake

Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.

Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?

I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.

The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.

Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing

It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.

SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT

The cat has already been fed.

I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference

my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?

[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”

Cop: Are you drunk?

Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*stands on one foot*

Cop: ok first of all, ow

*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.

The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.

i wish we could shoplift online

Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?

i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room

It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.

College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?

Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY

“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”

Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?

Sundae school.

Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible

Me: Okay do a kickflip

Jodie: What

Me: Do a double kickflip right now