Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.

can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture

You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.

Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?

Me: Yes, I love potato salad.

Nutritionist: no

If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?

Him: no. not like that.

I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.

Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

me: yes, that number is zero

Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready

The same kid right beside me:

reasons my cat is yowling:

-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen

I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.

Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…

Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*

[5 months later]

Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”

Me: *unsubscribes*

[9 months later]

Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”

*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*

Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?

Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.

*Bites werewolf*

Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.

Werewolf: No!

Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.

[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]

Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”

Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”

Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”

We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…

{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?

ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.

Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?

Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough

Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.

A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera

What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?

A Mootation