My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
*pokes sex life with a stick
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
As a self-made millionaire and father of 16, I am begging all of you to stop believing everything you read on social media
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
