My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”
– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
