[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
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Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
“what’s your ideal vacation?”
dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.