Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”

Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot

This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”

My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.

-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral

My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo

[in music class]

Teacher: Be sure to take good notes

Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?

I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”

I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”

Can’t shop there again.

I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.

An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough

I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.

Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel

fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house

My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.

Me: I love holding your hands

Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back

Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?

I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.

[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat

ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life

EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography

I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”

“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”

*nervous glance at dog

Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend

I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.

Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.

Friend: If you give it some deep thought—

Me: Let me stop you right there.

that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop

me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us

Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible

[sees giant spider in house]

[tells girlfriend “I got this”]

[slowly rolls up magazine]

[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]

The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.

The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.