My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
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Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
BRO LMFAO
