friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
You Might Also Like
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
My nephew asked, “What’s the secret to a long life?” I said, “Never order vegetarian in Texas”
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.