My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
You Might Also Like
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.