My first child will be named New Folder.
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Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader
Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Manager: just got a quick little job for you
Translation: I’ve got a humongous shitty task for you that will make you want to quit your job
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
how to have fun when you’re poor
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.