My first child will be named New Folder.
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get you a girl who
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Perfection.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.