@raminnazer

My first child will be named New Folder.

You Might Also Like

@ThaJawn

I don’t trust rabbits…

Anything that’s happy with just lettuce is suspicious

@XplodingUnicorn

[in someone else’s master bathroom]

5-year-old: They have two sinks.

Me: Yeah.

5: One for each hand.

@LizHackett

I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.

@House_Feminist

are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men

@AnniemuMary

Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[texting my wife from the barber]

WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:

@iamspacegirl

“Makin all the ladies drop they panties” I brag, pulling the fire alarm at Victoria’s Secret.

@Shock_Monster

After seeing some of the names on kids these days, you wonder if their parents were going all in for the Triple Word Score.