My first child will be named New Folder.
You Might Also Like
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Can’t. Being lazy.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
ACED my prostate exam!
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.