My first child will be named New Folder.
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cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?