I don’t trust rabbits…
Anything that’s happy with just lettuce is suspicious
My first child will be named New Folder.
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As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
5: One for each hand.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
“Makin all the ladies drop they panties” I brag, pulling the fire alarm at Victoria’s Secret.
After seeing some of the names on kids these days, you wonder if their parents were going all in for the Triple Word Score.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype