My first child will be named New Folder.
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the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep