My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
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one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too