Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome

Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this

No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway

REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*

I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..

Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.

My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt

you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole

*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store

“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”

I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.

Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place

Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.

*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*

me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*

Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search

Dentist: please stop

Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”

-Eminem at a farm.

I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this

Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?

INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato

HER: It’s really hot in here

ME: [starts baking] oh no

I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies

If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.

pelicons

👽

Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.

“I found my charger!!”

– a love story

buying dead houseplants to save time

You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car