My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
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I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
found a horse’s reddit account
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.