Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.

I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.

can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?

“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”

“Then I would have had to reword it.”

If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.

This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.

Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating

Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.

I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes

Ghost: Death is coming for you

Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous

[getting murdered]

Hang on, let me clear my browsing history

6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”

#mumlife

[first date]

Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.

Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.

[walking into Sephora]

me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.

my husband: I’m right here you know

I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.

Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter

I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?

Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming

One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.

I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.

Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.

Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.

I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.

[hell]

Me: Why am I here?

Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.

Me: OK that’s fair.

I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.

I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.

me: what’s your biggest turnoff

her: noisy people

me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same

My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.

*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving

Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts

A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.