[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
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Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
No point crayon over spilled milk.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Tremendous stuff
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.