[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
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My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.