My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
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Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
something like this could probably happen to anyone
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
“Sheer Arrogance”
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up