My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
You Might Also Like
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
My purse is deeper than some people.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
british sex workers really pound for pound
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”