My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
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Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
The big book of baby names but for safe words
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
it’s so awesome that once a month i’m like “I HAVE to die. this feeling is 100% real and caused by the circumstances of my life” and then the next day I get my period
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways