[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
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“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
A double negative is a big no-no.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
the world’s most popular steaming services
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
waiter: did you enjoy your meal
me: honestly not really
waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”