Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’

where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?

Everyone stop over reacting!

There was no Earthquake….

I slipped in the shower, these things happen…

Kylo Ren: I am your father.

Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.

Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.

to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath

My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.

Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.

Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?

Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.

Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.

Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…

Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR

having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me

“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*

*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?

While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.

Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.

Me: How awful do I look?

Him: You always look beautiful.

Me: Do I need to put makeup on?

Him: Maybe just a…

*stare*

Him: No.

If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency

me choking on my own saliva for no reason.

I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you

If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”

Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.

Wait, what

Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali

I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.

Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.

I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.

my dad has had enough

“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”

I’m putting on weight for a movie

*eats popcorn in cinema

My dad installed a dash cam in my car at some point when I was home for thanksgiving and I found out when I turned my car on to go to target and a very clearly Chinese lady’s voice said “start recording” out of nowhere

My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.

Thin eyeliner today.

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*covers entire face.