[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
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[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
how it started vs how it ended
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.