Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear

[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]

Why do you think people hate us so much?

“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”

Little Red: I’m going to grandmas

Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy

Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?

Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun

With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.

I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.

What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?

God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones

Me: I was told there would be sleep

The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.

I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing

Are you a cat person or a person person?

Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!

Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh

Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.

Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.

I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged

[bank]

me: this is a stick up!

bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around

me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed

bank teller: lol first time?

me: is it that obvious?

bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie

Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.

wife: where’s the baby

me: in the cradle

wife: but where’s the cradle

me: on the treetop

[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]

me: I just thought of a song

I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints

😅🤣😂

Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.

[taking a walk with mom]

Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*

Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.

Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?

Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?

me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.

Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.

Society: Dance like no ones watching.

Also society: Records it for everyone to see.

A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.

Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.

No weirdos.

step 6: release the wall snake

Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.

I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.