[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Thank you 🥹
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Friday night party time 🥳
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
