Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby

If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.

Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.

UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?

Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list

The more you know

Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*

Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom

17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?

Me: Who?

17: Scooper.

Me: Again, who?

17: Landlord’s son.

Me: COOPER?!

17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.

[God creating bears]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t

[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.

If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.

I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “

I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.

Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?

Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.

I feel like I have something to prove here.

Judge: That’s sort of how this works.

I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.

I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.

I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”

My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.

just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore

“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

Me: Dear Santa…

Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.

[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!

“Dad, what’s a coworker?”

“Someone you block on social media.”

Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.

When my daughter gets angry at her siblings she tells them to go swallow an anvil and although it’s confusing I’m giving her props for creativity.