[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
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This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one
clerk: do you have a baby
me: would you accept cash instead
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Turns out I’m not an afternoon person either.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.