[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
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You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
stand with me against insufficient seating
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*