Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*

Him: how was your day, babe?

What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.

Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”

*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*

GUY: HA! You flinched

ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-

GUY: *actually punches me*

Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.

Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.

The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.

stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him

I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.

I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.

I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.

Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.

Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.

Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?

“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie

Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo

Alfred: right away, Bruce-o

Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.

Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?

A: Because it waxes every month.

[At a Christening]

Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.

Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.

My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.

Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!

Me: Well, can’t we send them this?

Parents: Go to your room.

Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦

I use my imagination to solve problems.

And by imagination, I mean booze.

*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?

I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache

Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers

Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??

Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER

My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion

Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”

[Doctors appointment]

Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*

[me telling a joke]

guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.

ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.