[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
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ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go