Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?

me: no, there’s no oxygen

5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?

me: then yes

5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?

me: then no

5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?

me: is someone paying you to do this?

All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.

Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??

My car:

If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.

There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.

Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case

Word: sweet, I’ll change the font

Me: no no keep the font

Word: ok I’ll just change the size

Me: please keep the size the same

Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol

*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*

A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this

Her: I just feel so alone

Him: Jesus loves you

Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up

[during sex]

her: hurt me

me: there’s only one season of firefly

Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.

Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.

One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.

If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.

*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form

was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this

Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.

My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”

Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.

I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.

Me and kiddo listening to music in car:

In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶

Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover

*20 min later at the grocery store*

Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?

Stranger:😳

so logan paul and jake paul are different people?

consequences, the bane of my existence

My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.

I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”

– dinner –

Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes

Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.

First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.

Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁

One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.