{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
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app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Me: I’m not old
My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.