{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
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Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
When texting a woman while she is mad and you see them 3 dots for like 5 minutes then they just disappear….. start running
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes