{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
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[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
moms in horror movies
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair