Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.

Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.

I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes

I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers

The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.

BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.

MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*

What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score

My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.

Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.

Me: I’m paying cash.

Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?

Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.

*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?

Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?

GF: What?

M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.

GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.

One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.

earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads

cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life

I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂

Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.

Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.

General Lee didn’t have kids?

A parent Lee not.

me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?

my brain: a hairdryer.

my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides

When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.

No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies

Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.

when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:

i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside

Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive

Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals

Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.

When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.

If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.