Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads

Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.

Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.

9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”

when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4

Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs

5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?

Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.

Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.

*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*

*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*

Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.

Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.

DD: U sure?

Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.

Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.

ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.

[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]

Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.

Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.

Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.

Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.

I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.

The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.

I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account

“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.

My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.

Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen

I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.

How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”

Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.