[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
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mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Why do cannibals never eat rich kids?
Because they’re spoiled
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.
me: this edible ain’t shit
me twenty minutes later: googling how to remove a curse
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions