[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
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please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”