Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.

My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”

The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective

Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.

If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.

As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭

I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.

My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.

I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.

I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.

Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.

“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”

haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho

ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”

A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.

interviewer: please, sit down

me: thank you

interviewer: not on my lap

My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse

You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids

Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.

People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.

Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.

*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*

Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…

1. I don’t have a swimming pool.

2. I don’t have a girlfriend.

I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed

My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?

FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?

TYLER: Shaving cream.

MARK: Shaving cream.

ME: Pay off his student loans.

[they all look at me]

ME: I mean shave him.