[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
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I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
I’ve had relationships like this
Bro what is this
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
I didn’t realize that was an option
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.