my first day as a raccoon
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*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
hacker: got them. all the social security numbers
boss: good work
[later getting back from the bank]
boss: ok apparently we need names too
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire