Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.

His funeral will take plac

I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down

Nigella has gone too far this time.

My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.

I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”

1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*

Me: Why is she so loud?

Wife: That’s how she talks.

Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.

A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.

Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then

DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.

[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]

Waiter: “what can I get u?”

“do u have any eucalyptus?”

*restaurant goes quiet*

My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.

He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”

There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.

Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool

[Trapped on a Island]

*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”

*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”

My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup

Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.

white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”

My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂

I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.

90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters

I SAID: How’s vacation going?

MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.

[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat

I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.

date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in

99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.

Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.

Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.

I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.

No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.