Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dog: i have to pee

me: for real?

dog: yeah i gotta go

me: alright *lets dog out*

dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*

me: *lets dog back in*

[5 minutes later]

dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this

me: you have to pee

dog: i have to pee lol

I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery

🙄

It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.

It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.

My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.

He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.

I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?

I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.

My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.

I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.

[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain

Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?

7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting

She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.

GF: I’m breaking up with you

Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why

Me: How was school?

5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders

Me: what did you need to be reminded about?

5:

Me:

5: You don’t need to worry about that

I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳

Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…

Mom: Cant what?!

D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.

M: *single tear falls*

my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there

My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.

wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”

Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?

What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?

Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”

taking a toddler to the beach timeline:

-pack the entire house: 1 hour

-find parking: 35 mins

-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins

-set up all your stuff: 25 mins

-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)

-pack up… 🤣

Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?

My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free

BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*

Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKING

How Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS

I like waiters.

They bring a lot to the table.