(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
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4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.