Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho

Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING

I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?

That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own

I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.

We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously

HER: yes

ME: yeah right

cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR

someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.

“How much for this toaster?”

“An arm & a leg.”

“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”

“A leg & 3 fingers.”

“Deal!”

– Cannibal Pawn Stars

I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.

elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part

(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun

Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.

I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.

I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise

Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret

FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.

If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.

Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem

People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me

People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body

People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk

– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America

New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th

absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker

AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat

BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*

“Trust your gut”

the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure

I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.

I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.