[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
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[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
My mood is currently on “shuffle.”
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Wolves should really raise more people.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.
He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.