[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
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Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
what kind of cook setting is this??
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.