Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.

My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?

Me: No

Son: he’s in the ICU

When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.

*feels painful possible cavity*

*eats chocolate to feel better*

Hit me in the face with a bird

I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁

In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this

[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?

Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.

sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack

Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.

Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.

But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.

[Sigh]

9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.

Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]

boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?

me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.

*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*

Me: Let’s do this!

Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.

Me: Bring it, loser!

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker

Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?

Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island

I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one

2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”

Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES

Also me: is 40

Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.

A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.

[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed

[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”

-What is goingon?

“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”

I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.

Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*

Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911

Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-