[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
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That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
😭😭
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
New tinder profile pic
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
They’re really bad with fonts.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
no one:
my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
I’m no good at the pole vault either.
*me flirting