{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
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*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.