{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Mistakes were made
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
[slowly crosses McRib off my manifesto]
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.
FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.
If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires