{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
You Might Also Like
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
anyone else like Italian cereal
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.