Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around

I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician

Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.

[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?

(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants

Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend

My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock

so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her

My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.

Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery

Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.

If Amazon had a dating app:

You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in

After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.

My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.

[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]

khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub

The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete

I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.

But my sandwich is so dry!

“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”

[first day as a barista]

ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole

NICHOLE: oh come on

“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”

[watching basketball]

I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.

And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.

my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together

ㅤ

Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?

Me: can I go to the bathroom?

Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting

Me: so that’s a yes?

Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now

It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby

[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her

[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]

Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?

Me: ok, fine

SO: don’t get bit!

Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!

“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up

I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what

Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.