Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper

Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.

Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.

*trimming the tree

Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances

DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.

When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?

Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?

I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.

Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive

I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila

Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo

when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you

*pronounces fake like saké*

I can’t stop laughing at this

Waiter: would you like a lobster bib

Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously

You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.

date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook

Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?

Me: 37

Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”

[restaurant]

RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg

WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?

RACCOON: t-two eggs?

WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs

RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!

WAITER: *eyes narrow*

I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.

Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.

LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?

Received some very disappointing news today

Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.

Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.

As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”

ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like

My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday