Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.

I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.

warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.

Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings

Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice

I guess I live down here now

Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy

I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.

I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.

Fun Prank:

Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.

It’s true.

After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.

Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no

banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”

The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins

A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.

opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-

[city marathon]

ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?

RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS

ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?

therapist: you’re overthinking

me: what if-

therapist: don’t

me: WHAT IF

therapist:

me: what if everyone else is underthinking

Me: *pointing gun at husband*

Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake

Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*

Me: but he does all of the laundry

Husband: oh no

PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.

I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.

Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:

I’m mad and sad and doing very bad

My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.

Lmao the reply

I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.

Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…

[teaching teen to drive]

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.

Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?

Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*

My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.