Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?

What’s so funny?

I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.

Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.

Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.

someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.

Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my

It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.

[50 years from now]

*visiting husband’s grave*

“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”

Me: How was school?

5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders

Me: what did you need to be reminded about?

5:

Me:

5: You don’t need to worry about that

[police lineup]

Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”

Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”

teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?

me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–

In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.

Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…

Then I threw clock at her face.

Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.

When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.

A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps

My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?

I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.

Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.

When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.

Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.

Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.

My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.

Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office

[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*

7: mom what’s chicken made of?

me: um, chicken

7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?

me: no…

7: how about our dog?

me: *rips up application to harvard*

Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!

Mom: *sends food emojis*

I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.