Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”

Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers

What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?

A Parenting Story

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…

devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up

It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.

If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.

[blind date]

Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”

ME *trying to impress him*

“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”

[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.

This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA

He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days

drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point

My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes

who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!

I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.

Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath

Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.

I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry

I have always wanted to do this 😭😭

Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.

I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day

I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.

Just this preview of the story is enough

Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.

Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.