[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
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Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
👽
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
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i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.