[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
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Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.