[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
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Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids