Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host

We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.

My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.

friend: thanks for all ur help

me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it

[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*

The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above

Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!

No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.

God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?

[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*

don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good

doctor: do you drink alcohol?

me: yeah a couple times a week

doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually

Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that

You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.

When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced

I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”

You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.

I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself

If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.

THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog

ME: Ok

[next week]

THERAPIST: Well?

ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog

Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.

They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night

In a fight a with a bouncer

my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?

me: idk, want me to google it?

him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this

me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree

him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense

Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.

Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son

Me: I dunno probably street fighter

5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?

Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.

5: Because Mom is scary?

Bingo.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no

Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.

ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.

Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time

Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.

wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff

me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner