Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.

*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later

Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.

You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.

I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.

*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*

– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.

Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.

ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not

Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds

terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: i said come with me if

me: i heard you the first time

i sent you a message telepathically and you didn’t respond…are you mad at me?

I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”

Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.

[group therapy]

me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?

voldemort: uhh no

joker: yikes

darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you

triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit

Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.

I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them

Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆

house sitting!

My kids: what are we having for…

ME: LEFTOVERS

saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower

*Plot Twist*

Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.

there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me

[garden]

tomato plant: how’s your summer?

pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year

tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-

ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.

I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?

Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots

I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.

It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!

Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”

I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.

I’m not sentimental.

I’m just sick of tripping over them.

*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases