(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
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Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Me, a math teacher writing a problem on the board: who can solve this
Student, slowly raising hand: it just says who has a hot, single dad
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.