Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.

I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too

Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.

Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?

Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.

Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.

Intellectual powerhouse.

Right here.

Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.

Every newscast:

“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.

My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination

Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them

Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.

My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”

My mouth: safe splot

Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.

Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown

Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-

Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!

Me: *calls* How are my kids?

Grandma: We’re having so much fun

Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-

Grandma: Come get your kids.

I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish

95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there

Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.

my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt

me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger

him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band

Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?

Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen

March 16

Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?

[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?

*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top

“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food

I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.

Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.