My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.
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Am getting real tired of your crap…
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully