My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.
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My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
But that’s none of my business
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea