[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
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Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
huge valentines day plans this year!!
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
One venti cheeseburger please.
For sale: Safe word. Sadly, never used
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?