Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.

I hate when people can’t let go of the past.

Debt collectors are the worst.

One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately

what my late-night hot pocket sees

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*

*Grave robbers exempt.

Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.

I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.

Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.

me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?

bus driver: can’t but thanks

My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.

“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”

“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”

My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.

“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.

Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign

Me: I got lost in the music

C: what song?

M: I’d rather not say

C: what song?!?

M: I saw the sign

whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”

Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.

Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.

#parenting

Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.

P.S. Bring a spider.

Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?

Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.

me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: did he just get in line

You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?

School district says no pajamas for online classes

What are you gonna do, send them home?

6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”

Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?

Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.

Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.

The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!

Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.